Isn't she cute?

Isn't she cute? 

 I've had a rough week, and I'm so glad that in a matter of hours I will on my way into work for the last time this week.  It's not the work though that's had me down ... let me explain.

Part of the reason that I have decided to commit to a blog is that I have a busy mind.  I don't know that I've ever been able to focus on one thing at a time, and the things that occupy my mind the majority of the time are non-productive and self depreciating things.

I have a horrible self image.  I always have.  For as long as I can remember I have believed with all my heart and all my mind that I'm ugly.  I can name for you quite quickly at least 10 things that I don't like about my physical self, while naming positive and lovely things are particularly difficult for me.  Each time that I've had this discussion with a friend, doctor, therapist, pastor what-have-you, they say "Oh Melissa, you're beautiful."  With my mouth I say "Thank you;" with my mind I'm rolling my eyes like a 13 year old girl at the mall with her friends.

I was raised (whether intentional or not) with the belief that if you were thin you were beautiful and worthy of love, money and success.  Of course now I know this is not true, but it's only not true of other people...not me.  I continue to allow myself to feel inferior ... to everyone.

Over the course of the last 15 years I've lost and gained weight a few times, and what I've learned is that when I'm at the lower end of my weight spectrum - I'm NOT happy.  When I'm on the upper side of that spectrum - I'm NOT happy; this leads me to believe that there is something wrong here.

Insert blogging.  My hope is that through the art of writing I can begin to correct some of these wrongs.  My self-image (esteem) is not the only thing I hope to change.  There are many others!

The rollie-pollie little fella at the top of the page is how I've felt all week ... so awkward I can't even roll out of bed to get up onto my feet.  Every shirt I've put on has been awful, pants too tight or too big.  My hair hasn't cooperated, and my skin seems pale.  Yup ... I've had an ugly week.  Even snapped at my husband - "I need you to tell me I'm pretty once and a while!!!"  poor guy! Have you ever had one of these weeks??

A wise woman once told me that "God doesn't make junk, and He made me, and I'm not junk."
Yes, all of God's creations are beautiful.  Every single thing.  I know and believe this, but that double standard that I hold for myself has been a gigantic speed bump in my head and my heart.

So - come along, and visit often as I go through this journey of self reflection and adventure of self acceptance, awareness and love.  Let's go feel pretty!!

Thanks for reading. 
Melissa

Good Morning God!

"Good Morning God!"

That was my first thought this morning as I pulled out of the garage and looked out over the corn field.  Wow!  I love it when I see those sun rays blasting out over the land; like glowing fingers reaching out from the heavens bringing light to the sleepy landscape.  I enjoy seeing this more than that first sip of coffee in the morning.

The beauty of the morning sky brought to mind one of my most favored words: Gratitude.

I didn't always have gratitude.  In fact for the majority of my life I thought I knew what that meant, but isn't it amazing how certain life events can change what certain words or traditions mean?

I was brought up to have manners.  The use of words like "yes please; no thank you" were essential to pleasing one of my parents, but it's part of one of those phrases that brought me to the conclusion that I knew what gratitude was.

I am, as many of us are, a survivor of many things.  Rough childhood; alcoholism; rape; domestic abuse; bankruptcy; repossession; single motherhood; cancer; tobacco dependency; anxiety; depression, and I'm sure if I sat here long enough I could probably think of more, but the point that I am trying to reach is that; through it all I can say with all confidence that the real meaning of gratitude is at the top of the list of wonderful things I gained by going through those things.

Gratitude, I believe; can set you free.  I believe that I survived all the adversity so that I could see with open eyes all the things; people; feelings and so on that God has blessed me with. 
I can also say without doubt that I'm not done going through the bumps in life, and in all honesty, for that I am grateful!  What a blessing to continue on this journey and have the opportunity to continue to learn life's precious lessons!  Sure, there is going to hurt involved.  Probably even some tears and heartache, but if I keep the main thing the main thing (thank you Pastor!) and keep gratitude in my heart while I learn to serve others - I will continue to be blessed beyond all imagination.

So with that I say; Good Morning God.  Thank you for being part of my life, and loving me no matter what.  No matter who in my earthly life doesn't like or love me - you are there.  And for that I am grateful!

Rose in the muck

Well well ... hello there! How nice of you to join me here; I certainly appreciate you stopping by.
For my first blog post I've inserted the picture from above of a rose that came up seemingly out of no where in a little muddy and desolate hunk of something that someone must have had a garden of some kind in what is now my back yard. Did you get all that?
The ex-garden in outlined in a kidney shape, framed by some landscaping brick that surrounds a lonesome tree in the vastness we are blessed to call our yard. In the year and a half we have lived here I have attempted a couple times to clean this little garden up and plant some flowers, but as a house that has two young dogs who enjoy eating anything they can get in their mouths and dig up anything they can; I've decided to just let it be.
This year as I was looking out my kitchen window as I washed the dishes; I saw a a beautiful glow coming from that muddy & weedy area. I went out side to find this one single rose, accompanied by a bud that didn't survive, and I began to reflect on the irony of this one flower popping up through the muck.
You see; by this point in the summer I've lost my job. I left a great job for a new opportunity, and after a few months of being miserable there another new chance came my way, and without praying I jumped into the deep end before I ever took a breath. That turned out to be a bad choice. Of course anyone will tell you that jumping before you think; breathe or pray is taking a big risk, but as humans - we sometimes only see the shiny gold plating, and never take a moment to look closer to make sure it's what we think it really is or worse - if it's what God wants for us.
For 7 weeks life consistently got harder, and harder; everything changed. My abilities as a mother changed, my marriage changed ... I as a woman changed. That is what this rose is to me. It is a metaphor of the summer of 2012 for me.
No matter how dirty, dark and muddy our lives may be or become; God has placed in us a bright spot. If we take enought time to notice it and nurture it we too can bloom like the rose in the mud.