Isn't she cute?

Isn't she cute? 

 I've had a rough week, and I'm so glad that in a matter of hours I will on my way into work for the last time this week.  It's not the work though that's had me down ... let me explain.

Part of the reason that I have decided to commit to a blog is that I have a busy mind.  I don't know that I've ever been able to focus on one thing at a time, and the things that occupy my mind the majority of the time are non-productive and self depreciating things.

I have a horrible self image.  I always have.  For as long as I can remember I have believed with all my heart and all my mind that I'm ugly.  I can name for you quite quickly at least 10 things that I don't like about my physical self, while naming positive and lovely things are particularly difficult for me.  Each time that I've had this discussion with a friend, doctor, therapist, pastor what-have-you, they say "Oh Melissa, you're beautiful."  With my mouth I say "Thank you;" with my mind I'm rolling my eyes like a 13 year old girl at the mall with her friends.

I was raised (whether intentional or not) with the belief that if you were thin you were beautiful and worthy of love, money and success.  Of course now I know this is not true, but it's only not true of other people...not me.  I continue to allow myself to feel inferior ... to everyone.

Over the course of the last 15 years I've lost and gained weight a few times, and what I've learned is that when I'm at the lower end of my weight spectrum - I'm NOT happy.  When I'm on the upper side of that spectrum - I'm NOT happy; this leads me to believe that there is something wrong here.

Insert blogging.  My hope is that through the art of writing I can begin to correct some of these wrongs.  My self-image (esteem) is not the only thing I hope to change.  There are many others!

The rollie-pollie little fella at the top of the page is how I've felt all week ... so awkward I can't even roll out of bed to get up onto my feet.  Every shirt I've put on has been awful, pants too tight or too big.  My hair hasn't cooperated, and my skin seems pale.  Yup ... I've had an ugly week.  Even snapped at my husband - "I need you to tell me I'm pretty once and a while!!!"  poor guy! Have you ever had one of these weeks??

A wise woman once told me that "God doesn't make junk, and He made me, and I'm not junk."
Yes, all of God's creations are beautiful.  Every single thing.  I know and believe this, but that double standard that I hold for myself has been a gigantic speed bump in my head and my heart.

So - come along, and visit often as I go through this journey of self reflection and adventure of self acceptance, awareness and love.  Let's go feel pretty!!

Thanks for reading. 
Melissa