As a woman with almost 7 years of sobriety, I can honestly say that I know shame. Me and shame have been quite cozy for a long time.
I remember 2nd grade; I went to a Catholic school, and it was a Wednesday.
If you've been to a Catholic school you know that there is a day that is devoted to church, and if you're Catholic you (if eligible) partake in Communion during the designated point during mass. Well for what ever reason I took Communion one day, and I will never forget my teacher leaning over me asking me if it tasted good? You see, I wasn't "eligible" for Communion. I had not yet achieved the right to eat a wafer. I remember staring at the hairs in her nose, and the overwhelming feeling of shame and embarrassment.
Then there was that drunken night I got so blasted that I thought I locket myself out of my apartment, messed my pants, and broken into my 'open' apartment.
And then there was the day, after almost 2 years of sobriety I drank again, and then with my tail between my legs I walked back through doors of A.A.
I had a similar day today as I re-entered the doors of Weight Watchers.
I've battled my weight since about the 1st grade. I remember wearing my navy/green jumper at the aforementioned school, and feeling how tight it was around my stomach, and looking at the other girls and noticing their jumpers were loose in the same spot. This is the point that I recognize the difference between everyone else and me.
Then there is the 6th grade when I dropped my lunch tray and a kid yells "Awww ... piggy dropped her lunch!" and the room erupted with laughter. You can call it bullying, teasing or whatever, but to a young girl it thrusts the feelings of shame deep into her soul.
And about 10 years ago; someone who said he loved me exclaimed: "I'm surprised you haven't burnt your apartment down your thighs rub together so bad." The level of shame at that point had reach a critical point ... a dark point.
I've never forgiven myself for the shame in my life. I've worked and prayed hard to forgive others, and continue to work at that, but the forgiveness of myself? This like my weight continues to be an exhausting task.
The last time I humbled myself, and faced my shame by walking back through the doors of A.A. I opened up my heart and my mind to the program, and allowed it to work inside and out creating a pending 7 year sobriety birthday. This is my dream and my goal for the steps I took today. To welcome this new/old challenge with an open mind, and an open heart, and hopefully - by the Grace of God - I will finally make the change
... and forgive my shame.
Thank you for the inspiration S. Gudim :o)
yes, forgive your shame darling. You are so strong and courageous and inspirational. I think you're a little tough on yourself. You're wonderful just the way you are.
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