Beautiful You

I haven't made it a secret that I've struggled with my weight and self acceptance for most of my life.  In fact I've read books about it, and dieted. Only to find that once I lost weight I was still dissatisfied with my appearance.

I was at work today doing my 'thing', and I was plugged into my ipod when a song my Jonny Diaz called "Beautiful You" came on.  I've heard this song many times, and I like it very much.  For some reason listening to it today something came over me ... all that I've preached made a dent in my own mind set.

Since re-starting Weight Watchers last week, and as I've inched closer to my first official weigh in coming up on Wednesday I've already contemplated not going back. It's hard.  The first time around the points system was different; I made it a goal to find all the low point foods and eat them, even if that meant it wasn't good for me.  I ate mostly processed foods.  Now that they have changed ... it's not that easy.  My mind wants to eat low point foods, and I don't think about the fact that you have more daily points.  Eating fruits and veggies all day every day won't work for me, and I have a serious love affair with chocolate.  I have already had to look outside the box for creative and tasty things to eat that are healthy and within my point allowance.

As I was again thinking about quitting; the song I mentioned above came on, and something happened.  As a Christian, I of course believe with all my heart that it was the Holy Spirit working within me working through music telling me ... "You're ok!  It's ok!  Be a good woman, love others, give your heart, your love and your smile - all the things I gave you, and use them for good!  The rest is trivial!  Loose weight to be healthy - to take care of the temple I gave you, but please stop torturing your heart!"

I just about cried at my desk in front of the four men I work with.  A weight was lifted.  My weight only matters for my health.  You see, I grew up believing that my appearance would afford me pleasures in life.  Maybe it does, but are those the things I really want??  No.  Those are things, lifestyles and in many cases lies.  I want what is real -

My heart feels a little lighter tonight; even though I still wear a size 14, I feel lighter.  Relieved.  Beautiful.

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

[Chorus]
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

[chorus]

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
[chorus]    





Mmmm ... Muffin!


"A word used to describe one whose fat is desperately trying to escape the suffocation from tight jeans resulting in the fat tumbling over."

 

HA!  I love that definition that I found online in the 'urban dictionary'.  I've never considered the extra package of lush around my hip a muffin top!  I've always preferred the saying "Dunlop," "Spare tire," "Love Handles"?

Calling it a muffin top makes me think of a double chocolate muffin .... mmmm!

 

There are many different kinds of muffin tops, and from what I've read almost all women have them so - why not embrace them?  We as a society have embraced: the mullet, Pop-Tarts, Soda, Smoking, thongs & the Bikini (can you say Speedo??).  If we have learned to accept the cringable items above we can learn to live with pant spillage.

 

Of course there are different kinds of muffin tops.  There are almost as many muffin tops as there are muffins!

Just like with the delectable breakfast cake we can make them good and we can make them baaaad!

If you don't compile the correct ingredients while whipping up a batch of muffins you will pull a batch full of nasty out of the oven; just like if you pull on a pair of skinny jeans that would have fit you in the 7th grade your muffin top is going to be toxic spillage!  But, as a lady with a muffin top knows, if you dress it up correctly - it can be De-Light-Ful!!

 

So give yourself some time, patience and love.  They say God doesn't make mistakes!  And I believe that!  He made me, and I am exactly what He want me to be!  Take care of your body.  Feed it well, move it, shake it and love it!  It's His temple, and it's only yours for a little while!

 

 

 

Gain it - loose it - love it - stuff it!

 





Ohhhh the shame ...

HA! HA!  How many times have I said that?  Wait - replace Klondike bar with Nutty Bar's, ice cream, chips, cookies, crackers, candy & cake!! 

As a woman with almost 7 years of sobriety, I can honestly say that I know shame.  Me and shame have been quite cozy for a long time. 

I remember 2nd grade; I went to a Catholic school, and it was a Wednesday.
If you've been to a Catholic school you know that there is a day that is devoted to church, and if you're Catholic you (if eligible) partake in Communion during the designated point during mass.  Well for what ever reason I took Communion one day, and I will never forget my teacher leaning over me asking me if it tasted good?  You see, I wasn't "eligible" for Communion. I had not yet achieved the right to eat a wafer.  I remember staring at the hairs in her nose, and the overwhelming feeling of shame and embarrassment. 

Then there was that drunken night I got so blasted that I thought I locket myself out of my apartment, messed my pants, and broken into my 'open' apartment.

And then there was the day, after almost 2 years of sobriety I drank again, and then with my tail between my legs I walked back through doors of A.A.
I had a similar day today as I re-entered the doors of Weight Watchers.

I've battled my weight since about the 1st grade.  I remember wearing my navy/green jumper at the aforementioned school, and feeling how tight it was around my stomach, and looking at the other girls and noticing their jumpers were loose in the same spot.  This is the point that I recognize the difference between everyone else and me.

Then there is the 6th grade when I dropped my lunch tray and a kid yells "Awww ... piggy dropped her lunch!" and the room erupted with laughter.  You can call it bullying, teasing or whatever, but to a young girl it thrusts the feelings of shame deep into her soul.

And about 10 years ago; someone who said he loved me exclaimed: "I'm surprised you haven't burnt your apartment down your thighs rub together so bad." The level of shame at that point had reach a critical point ... a dark point.

I've never forgiven myself for the shame in my life.  I've worked and prayed hard to forgive others, and continue to work at that, but the forgiveness of myself?  This like my weight continues to be an exhausting task.

The last time I humbled myself, and faced my shame by walking back through the doors of A.A. I opened up my heart and my mind to the program, and allowed it to work inside and out creating a pending 7 year sobriety birthday.  This is my dream and my goal for the steps I took today.  To welcome this new/old challenge with an open mind, and an open heart, and hopefully - by the Grace of God - I will finally make the change
... and forgive my shame.

Thank you for the inspiration S. Gudim :o)