Spirit-Wall

Psalm 37:5
                  "commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust Him, and He will help you."

My struggles with stress; fear; anxiety and depression are no secret.  In fact, I have turned to blogging to help alleviate some of the debilitating symptoms that I have.  I have been medicated for this 'illness' for more than half of my life, and although chemical intervention has helped somewhat I really don't think that it's all that it's cracked up to me.  I follow a couple blogs written by vegan's who write that they have overcome many severe physical and mental issues by changing what they put into their bodies, and I have had some personal experience with the positive changes eating well can have on my body, and my mind.  I am also aware the power of God's word on my spirit, and stability.  I believe that like the vegan's diet that restores the physical well being of some lives, Jesus can restore my life inside and out.

This year has been an incredible challenge.  Job troubles, back pain, money pain, family pain.  The common denominator of the year 2012 is pain.

Pain; a four-lettered word I have allowed to deteriorate my 'spirit-wall.'  Like acid rain eats away at a stone over the years; pain is like the rain the destroys my 'spirit-wall'.  It seems only one small drop tears down all I have built with God, and then I'm left tearful and hurt. 

I am resilient.  Each time I get up and refocus and get back on the right path.  I open my Bible, turn on Christian radio, and open up daily devotionals, but as soon as my 'spirit-wall' is built up about knee high - temptation; ego and circumstances hit me like the baseball bat or the acid rain.

We all have a story to tell.  We all battle with temptation; ego, and succumb to the lies of this world.
There seems to be people though that are able to get up, and not fall down.  They seem to be able to build their wall a little higher, and not fall quite so hard.  Then there seems to be people like me - who don't build as fast or as sturdy; like building with toothpicks instead of heavy timber.

I know that with hard work; Bible study and trust in my Creator Jesus Christ I can live someday without chemical intervention.  I can build my 'spirit-wall' higher than my knees to keep the falls fewer and further between.

Beautiful You

I haven't made it a secret that I've struggled with my weight and self acceptance for most of my life.  In fact I've read books about it, and dieted. Only to find that once I lost weight I was still dissatisfied with my appearance.

I was at work today doing my 'thing', and I was plugged into my ipod when a song my Jonny Diaz called "Beautiful You" came on.  I've heard this song many times, and I like it very much.  For some reason listening to it today something came over me ... all that I've preached made a dent in my own mind set.

Since re-starting Weight Watchers last week, and as I've inched closer to my first official weigh in coming up on Wednesday I've already contemplated not going back. It's hard.  The first time around the points system was different; I made it a goal to find all the low point foods and eat them, even if that meant it wasn't good for me.  I ate mostly processed foods.  Now that they have changed ... it's not that easy.  My mind wants to eat low point foods, and I don't think about the fact that you have more daily points.  Eating fruits and veggies all day every day won't work for me, and I have a serious love affair with chocolate.  I have already had to look outside the box for creative and tasty things to eat that are healthy and within my point allowance.

As I was again thinking about quitting; the song I mentioned above came on, and something happened.  As a Christian, I of course believe with all my heart that it was the Holy Spirit working within me working through music telling me ... "You're ok!  It's ok!  Be a good woman, love others, give your heart, your love and your smile - all the things I gave you, and use them for good!  The rest is trivial!  Loose weight to be healthy - to take care of the temple I gave you, but please stop torturing your heart!"

I just about cried at my desk in front of the four men I work with.  A weight was lifted.  My weight only matters for my health.  You see, I grew up believing that my appearance would afford me pleasures in life.  Maybe it does, but are those the things I really want??  No.  Those are things, lifestyles and in many cases lies.  I want what is real -

My heart feels a little lighter tonight; even though I still wear a size 14, I feel lighter.  Relieved.  Beautiful.

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

[Chorus]
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

[chorus]

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
[chorus]    





Mmmm ... Muffin!


"A word used to describe one whose fat is desperately trying to escape the suffocation from tight jeans resulting in the fat tumbling over."

 

HA!  I love that definition that I found online in the 'urban dictionary'.  I've never considered the extra package of lush around my hip a muffin top!  I've always preferred the saying "Dunlop," "Spare tire," "Love Handles"?

Calling it a muffin top makes me think of a double chocolate muffin .... mmmm!

 

There are many different kinds of muffin tops, and from what I've read almost all women have them so - why not embrace them?  We as a society have embraced: the mullet, Pop-Tarts, Soda, Smoking, thongs & the Bikini (can you say Speedo??).  If we have learned to accept the cringable items above we can learn to live with pant spillage.

 

Of course there are different kinds of muffin tops.  There are almost as many muffin tops as there are muffins!

Just like with the delectable breakfast cake we can make them good and we can make them baaaad!

If you don't compile the correct ingredients while whipping up a batch of muffins you will pull a batch full of nasty out of the oven; just like if you pull on a pair of skinny jeans that would have fit you in the 7th grade your muffin top is going to be toxic spillage!  But, as a lady with a muffin top knows, if you dress it up correctly - it can be De-Light-Ful!!

 

So give yourself some time, patience and love.  They say God doesn't make mistakes!  And I believe that!  He made me, and I am exactly what He want me to be!  Take care of your body.  Feed it well, move it, shake it and love it!  It's His temple, and it's only yours for a little while!

 

 

 

Gain it - loose it - love it - stuff it!

 





Ohhhh the shame ...

HA! HA!  How many times have I said that?  Wait - replace Klondike bar with Nutty Bar's, ice cream, chips, cookies, crackers, candy & cake!! 

As a woman with almost 7 years of sobriety, I can honestly say that I know shame.  Me and shame have been quite cozy for a long time. 

I remember 2nd grade; I went to a Catholic school, and it was a Wednesday.
If you've been to a Catholic school you know that there is a day that is devoted to church, and if you're Catholic you (if eligible) partake in Communion during the designated point during mass.  Well for what ever reason I took Communion one day, and I will never forget my teacher leaning over me asking me if it tasted good?  You see, I wasn't "eligible" for Communion. I had not yet achieved the right to eat a wafer.  I remember staring at the hairs in her nose, and the overwhelming feeling of shame and embarrassment. 

Then there was that drunken night I got so blasted that I thought I locket myself out of my apartment, messed my pants, and broken into my 'open' apartment.

And then there was the day, after almost 2 years of sobriety I drank again, and then with my tail between my legs I walked back through doors of A.A.
I had a similar day today as I re-entered the doors of Weight Watchers.

I've battled my weight since about the 1st grade.  I remember wearing my navy/green jumper at the aforementioned school, and feeling how tight it was around my stomach, and looking at the other girls and noticing their jumpers were loose in the same spot.  This is the point that I recognize the difference between everyone else and me.

Then there is the 6th grade when I dropped my lunch tray and a kid yells "Awww ... piggy dropped her lunch!" and the room erupted with laughter.  You can call it bullying, teasing or whatever, but to a young girl it thrusts the feelings of shame deep into her soul.

And about 10 years ago; someone who said he loved me exclaimed: "I'm surprised you haven't burnt your apartment down your thighs rub together so bad." The level of shame at that point had reach a critical point ... a dark point.

I've never forgiven myself for the shame in my life.  I've worked and prayed hard to forgive others, and continue to work at that, but the forgiveness of myself?  This like my weight continues to be an exhausting task.

The last time I humbled myself, and faced my shame by walking back through the doors of A.A. I opened up my heart and my mind to the program, and allowed it to work inside and out creating a pending 7 year sobriety birthday.  This is my dream and my goal for the steps I took today.  To welcome this new/old challenge with an open mind, and an open heart, and hopefully - by the Grace of God - I will finally make the change
... and forgive my shame.

Thank you for the inspiration S. Gudim :o)

Isn't she cute?

Isn't she cute? 

 I've had a rough week, and I'm so glad that in a matter of hours I will on my way into work for the last time this week.  It's not the work though that's had me down ... let me explain.

Part of the reason that I have decided to commit to a blog is that I have a busy mind.  I don't know that I've ever been able to focus on one thing at a time, and the things that occupy my mind the majority of the time are non-productive and self depreciating things.

I have a horrible self image.  I always have.  For as long as I can remember I have believed with all my heart and all my mind that I'm ugly.  I can name for you quite quickly at least 10 things that I don't like about my physical self, while naming positive and lovely things are particularly difficult for me.  Each time that I've had this discussion with a friend, doctor, therapist, pastor what-have-you, they say "Oh Melissa, you're beautiful."  With my mouth I say "Thank you;" with my mind I'm rolling my eyes like a 13 year old girl at the mall with her friends.

I was raised (whether intentional or not) with the belief that if you were thin you were beautiful and worthy of love, money and success.  Of course now I know this is not true, but it's only not true of other people...not me.  I continue to allow myself to feel inferior ... to everyone.

Over the course of the last 15 years I've lost and gained weight a few times, and what I've learned is that when I'm at the lower end of my weight spectrum - I'm NOT happy.  When I'm on the upper side of that spectrum - I'm NOT happy; this leads me to believe that there is something wrong here.

Insert blogging.  My hope is that through the art of writing I can begin to correct some of these wrongs.  My self-image (esteem) is not the only thing I hope to change.  There are many others!

The rollie-pollie little fella at the top of the page is how I've felt all week ... so awkward I can't even roll out of bed to get up onto my feet.  Every shirt I've put on has been awful, pants too tight or too big.  My hair hasn't cooperated, and my skin seems pale.  Yup ... I've had an ugly week.  Even snapped at my husband - "I need you to tell me I'm pretty once and a while!!!"  poor guy! Have you ever had one of these weeks??

A wise woman once told me that "God doesn't make junk, and He made me, and I'm not junk."
Yes, all of God's creations are beautiful.  Every single thing.  I know and believe this, but that double standard that I hold for myself has been a gigantic speed bump in my head and my heart.

So - come along, and visit often as I go through this journey of self reflection and adventure of self acceptance, awareness and love.  Let's go feel pretty!!

Thanks for reading. 
Melissa

Good Morning God!

"Good Morning God!"

That was my first thought this morning as I pulled out of the garage and looked out over the corn field.  Wow!  I love it when I see those sun rays blasting out over the land; like glowing fingers reaching out from the heavens bringing light to the sleepy landscape.  I enjoy seeing this more than that first sip of coffee in the morning.

The beauty of the morning sky brought to mind one of my most favored words: Gratitude.

I didn't always have gratitude.  In fact for the majority of my life I thought I knew what that meant, but isn't it amazing how certain life events can change what certain words or traditions mean?

I was brought up to have manners.  The use of words like "yes please; no thank you" were essential to pleasing one of my parents, but it's part of one of those phrases that brought me to the conclusion that I knew what gratitude was.

I am, as many of us are, a survivor of many things.  Rough childhood; alcoholism; rape; domestic abuse; bankruptcy; repossession; single motherhood; cancer; tobacco dependency; anxiety; depression, and I'm sure if I sat here long enough I could probably think of more, but the point that I am trying to reach is that; through it all I can say with all confidence that the real meaning of gratitude is at the top of the list of wonderful things I gained by going through those things.

Gratitude, I believe; can set you free.  I believe that I survived all the adversity so that I could see with open eyes all the things; people; feelings and so on that God has blessed me with. 
I can also say without doubt that I'm not done going through the bumps in life, and in all honesty, for that I am grateful!  What a blessing to continue on this journey and have the opportunity to continue to learn life's precious lessons!  Sure, there is going to hurt involved.  Probably even some tears and heartache, but if I keep the main thing the main thing (thank you Pastor!) and keep gratitude in my heart while I learn to serve others - I will continue to be blessed beyond all imagination.

So with that I say; Good Morning God.  Thank you for being part of my life, and loving me no matter what.  No matter who in my earthly life doesn't like or love me - you are there.  And for that I am grateful!

Rose in the muck

Well well ... hello there! How nice of you to join me here; I certainly appreciate you stopping by.
For my first blog post I've inserted the picture from above of a rose that came up seemingly out of no where in a little muddy and desolate hunk of something that someone must have had a garden of some kind in what is now my back yard. Did you get all that?
The ex-garden in outlined in a kidney shape, framed by some landscaping brick that surrounds a lonesome tree in the vastness we are blessed to call our yard. In the year and a half we have lived here I have attempted a couple times to clean this little garden up and plant some flowers, but as a house that has two young dogs who enjoy eating anything they can get in their mouths and dig up anything they can; I've decided to just let it be.
This year as I was looking out my kitchen window as I washed the dishes; I saw a a beautiful glow coming from that muddy & weedy area. I went out side to find this one single rose, accompanied by a bud that didn't survive, and I began to reflect on the irony of this one flower popping up through the muck.
You see; by this point in the summer I've lost my job. I left a great job for a new opportunity, and after a few months of being miserable there another new chance came my way, and without praying I jumped into the deep end before I ever took a breath. That turned out to be a bad choice. Of course anyone will tell you that jumping before you think; breathe or pray is taking a big risk, but as humans - we sometimes only see the shiny gold plating, and never take a moment to look closer to make sure it's what we think it really is or worse - if it's what God wants for us.
For 7 weeks life consistently got harder, and harder; everything changed. My abilities as a mother changed, my marriage changed ... I as a woman changed. That is what this rose is to me. It is a metaphor of the summer of 2012 for me.
No matter how dirty, dark and muddy our lives may be or become; God has placed in us a bright spot. If we take enought time to notice it and nurture it we too can bloom like the rose in the mud.